By @nascarcasm | Thursday, April 28, 2022
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The NFL Draft kicks off tonight, and in honor of this annual ritual, we’re hosting our own NASCAR version of the event. I will select 10 drivers based on my own personal criteria. Most importantly, reconnaissance reports will be provided. Do not hesitate to participate. And without further ado, the choices are made.
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SCOUTING REPORT: “Ambitious, resolute and revolutionary pilot. A historic victory to his name in 2021 and was able to earn three more in 2022. The Superspeedway prowess is among the best in the Cup Series. And he can give me McDonald’s DoorDashed for free at my house, where I’ll lounge in my free Columbia gear listening to music on my free Beats by Dre headphones while sipping on my free Dr. Pepper. I’m a red-blooded American who wants to get rid of Bubba’s amazing array of sponsors – sue me.
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SCOUT REPORT: “Has an incredible ability to find his way up front, probably after years of having to sit in the front row at school because he couldn’t see over anyone’s head. Incredible sportiness and class. Several victories are on the horizon. I just hope he didn’t leave because he thought the draft was already over.
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SCOUTING REPORT: “Kyle is a future Hall of Famer and a true helmsman. The diplomas and skills are indisputable. However, we need honest feedback during the race. He spares our feelings too much. When we ask him how the car is doing, he doesn’t have to say as usual: “What’s important is that you tried very, very hard and I appreciate your hard work.” I don’t mean anything mean or annoying. We feel we can achieve this goal.
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SCOUT REPORT: “Has arguably made the most progress of any NASCAR driver. Won an Xfinity Series championship and a Daytona 500. Also, we really need a center for our intramural basketball league and someone in the store who can change fluorescent light bulbs without a stepladder.
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SCOUTING REPORT: “Still waiting for the first victory, but compensates with an intangible quirk difficult to put into words. Drives like a seasoned veteran but looks like a teenager stocking the shelves at Whole Foods Market.
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SCREENING REPORT: “Balance and determination when the championship is at stake. Small in size, and its lack of size helps the race car go much faster. And that’s not the only area where he’s a notable lightweight.
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SCOUTING REPORT: “Won around 49 Cup Series races in 2021 which is incredible considering there are only 36 on the schedule. Wide variety of interests and skills, which include running, racing and also racing. Good lateral movement, which allows him to throw effective outside blocks, sometimes on people who are not teammates.
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SCOUTING REPORT: “Young, but has the driving abilities of someone twice his age (so, around 26). Seven wins already in Xfinity Series career, with a move up likely (the word is he knows someone with a Cup Series team) Will provide our team with a great chance to win every weekend, and a designated driver to and from the celebration when we do (for a few more years at the less) I look forward to discussing its potential with him once he takes off his helmet.
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SCOUTING REPORT: “A sneaky performer who gets better every year. Excellent on-track situational awareness that will help the team return to long-term success. Unparalleled mental ability. Like a good running back, hits leave it and sort of turn into t-shirt sales.
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SCOUT REPORT: “High-motor terrain runner who isn’t afraid to take hits or give them away (ask AJ Allmendinger). An aggressive approach frightens other competitors, who see him coming and stray from his path (see Talladega). Big teeth. The ability to eat watermelon on a grime-covered race track with no visible digestive disease suggests an immune system that could survive Thanos’ downfall.