Finding myself with an hour or two to kill in central Dover, I set out to find a decent downtown boozer.
First place I came to was The Castle Inn but pints haven’t been pulled here in quite a while, just around the corner I found the Roman Quay but the shutters were firmly closed at this one too, so I continued.
It didn’t look like a Spoons day so I avoided the Eight Bells and a few doors down the road also walked past the again tightly closed Lava Lounge.
Just beginning to lose hope I rounded one more corner and before I saw him I heard the Golden Lion in Priory Street (the loudspeaker outside has music blaring into the street, even on a Sunday afternoon).
I entered through the corner door of this small L-shaped pub and almost went from A to T when I came across a cleverly disguised step dividing one half of the pub from the other. Unsurprisingly, this led to a volley of mickey taking on Olwyn, the Irish bartender, who told me that most customers only stumble when exiting the pub.
I asked what the best beer was but, having already looked down the pumps: Carling; Promotes; Amsterdam; John Smith; Kronenbourg – I decided to try the Madri 4.6%.
After choosing a Spanish lager, Olwyn felt the need to add an appropriate accent, even though regulars dismissed his effort as a mix of Scottish, Pakistani and his own Irish twang.
There were already plenty of other guys sitting quietly at their own tables, so I stuck to the theme and found myself a perch under the jukebox.
To my right was a slightly classier area of the pub with pictures on the wall and books in a display case by the fireplace and this space was occupied by better dressed people wearing smart scarves and oxfords.
In reality, however, this place masquerades as a sports pub due to the fact that it has three TV screens. While I was in two, I showed the Cazoo UK open darts and one, which flashed constantly, featured obscure European football teams playing in their own domestic leagues.
There is an empty rack, which housed pool cues, and the remains of an old ceiling light indicating that the lower half of the pub housed a pool table. Although, given the size of the bar, there couldn’t be much room to wield a cue.
With no games in the pub, like darts or pool, and no sports to speak of on TV, regulars line up at the bar like three not-so-wise monkeys have decided to create their own entertainment.
It consisted of playing dodgy songs on the jukebox and, as Salt-N-Pepa’s lyrics suggested, they chose to “talk about sex”. I had no idea what those sentences meant, although a shocked Olwyn let out cries of horror.
Luckily, the conversation shifted to diets and the three monkeys started debating who was bigger. Olwyn jumped to the toilet and the newly crowned fattest monkey went behind the bar to pour his own Guinness. When she came back, they all disappeared onto the pavement outside the pub for a cigarette.
I took the opportunity to have a second pint and a packet of crisps. The Kronenbourg was exactly the same price as the Madri, an exceptionally reasonable £3.10, but a packet of Tayto salt and vinegar was £1.20. I know people love these Irish crisps, but they usually taste a bit bland and always seem expensive to me.
At this point a family group of around 10 people entered the pub but were immediately told they could not stay as there was a strict no children policy after 4pm and it was now 10am .
Olwyn’s response was first to apologize for swearing, then to suggest that their best option was to go to the local Wetherspoon, the Eight Bells.
The three bar dwellers continued to dominate, each with their own hacking cough as they cackled at the other’s jokes – oddly enough, you could still hear their conversation perfectly clearly through the gentlemen’s thin single door. On that note, the restrooms weren’t too bad and, although they had a slight smell, generally seemed quite clean.
I decided not to risk the step on the way out and avoided it by using the smoker’s door to exit.
The phrase “too much information” is more relevant here than anywhere else and having checked sexual practices on the urban dictionary there are two related to winter pastimes and an inner galactic operation I can assure you that I will not try.
The Golden Lion, 11 Priory Street, Dover CT17 9AA
Decor: I like the wooden floors throughout and appreciated the beer coasters on every table, although every table in the place seemed to wobble and the unmarked footstep between the bars was deadly. **
Drink: The pint of 4.6% Spanish Madri was very nice and well served but it’s a shame there isn’t a wider variety of draft beers available. I spotted an unused hand pump, but I don’t know when it was last used. **
Price: A pint of Madri (even served with a dodgy accent) was just £3.10. A pint of Kronenbourg was exactly the same, very reasonably priced, but unfortunately a packet of slightly stale tasting crisps was £1.20****
Staff: Olwyn spent most of his time entertaining the three bar dwellers or having fun with them, but also seemed quite cheerful with others. ***
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